Attachment Vibes

Why You Love the Way You Do (and What That Has to Do with Your Childhood)

Let’s talk about something that affects literally everything in your love life, whether you realize it or not: attachment styles.

This isn’t just psychobabble—it’s psychology, neuroscience, and lived experience rolled into one. Your attachment style is essentially your internal GPS for intimacy. It’s shaped in childhood through your relationship with your primary caregivers and follows you into adulthood, quietly dictating how safe you feel being close to others, how you respond to conflict, and how you handle emotional needs (yours and theirs).

There are four main types:

• Secure: “I trust you, I trust myself, and I know we can work through things together.”
• Anxious: “I need constant reassurance or I spiral. If you pull away, I panic.”
• Avoidant: “I don’t do needy. I’d rather be alone than risk vulnerability.”
• Fearful-Avoidant (a.k.a. Disorganized): “Come close—no wait, go away. I crave love but don’t trust it.”

And no, you’re not stuck with the one you were handed in childhood. You might also bounce between different styles, depending on particular relationship dynamics or triggers.
There is good news! Healing is possible. But first, you have to recognize the pattern.

Let’s break it down with a few fictional characters we all know:

• Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City) – Classic anxious attachment. She romanticizes emotionally unavailable men (hello, Mr. Big), constantly questions where she stands, and spirals when she doesn’t get the reassurance she craves. If he’s distant, she gets clingy. If he gets close, she overthinks it.
• Big (also SATC) – Textbook avoidant. He dips in and out, keeps Carrie at arm’s length, and only offers intimacy in doses. The runner in the runner-chaser dynamic.
• Ross & Rachel (Friends) – Both shift between anxious and avoidant depending on the season. Hot-and-cold relationships? Jealousy, mixed signals, “We were on a break” drama? Classic attachment system fireworks.
• Jim & Pam (The Office) – Secure. They’re playful, emotionally attuned, and supportive of each other’s goals. Even though their relationship started with some tension (Jim pining, Pam engaged), once they do get together, they communicate well, repair conflict without ego, and show genuine emotional safety. They’re each other’s soft place to land.

Your attachment style isn’t your fault—but it is your responsibility to understand it if you want to build healthier connections.

Here’s the thing: if you grew up with inconsistent caregivers, emotionally immature parents, or any form of neglect, abuse, or abandonment (emotional or physical), your nervous system probably got wired for unpredictability. Love started to feel like something you had to earn, chase, or protect yourself from. So when you meet someone who replicates that early blueprint, it feels familiar. And familiar feels safe—even if it’s not.

But guess what? You can rewire your attachment style. Through therapy, inner child work, safe relationships, and conscious effort, you can move toward security. It doesn’t happen overnight, but it happens. I’ve seen it with clients. I’ve lived it myself.

So if you’re stuck in a loop—always chasing the emotionally unavailable one, shutting down when things get too close, or riding the rollercoaster of push and pull—pause and ask yourself: What does love feel like to me? Safe? Or like a game I keep losing?

Awareness is the first step. Healing is the glow-up. And you deserve relationships that feel like peace, not performance.

Emotionally available & evolving,
LC