When They Vanish: Let’s Talk About Ghosting (and Why It Hurts So Damn Much)
Casper… remember how ridiculously adorable he was in that movie? I swear there wasn’t a tween girl alive who didn’t want him to keep her when he turned into Devon Sawa, IYKYK. Funny how the people who ghost us often show up all charming and friendly at first, too.
The amount of times I hear clients — and honestly, my single friends too — tell me about being ghosted is wild. The “situationships,” the right swipes that fizzle, the almost-somethings that vanish without a word. It’s like we’ve collectively started expecting people to disappear just as we start to feel a connection. It’s become a weird part of modern dating — disappointing, but almost predictable.
Where it hits differently, though, is when it happens with someone you actually know. Someone you’ve built real history with. Maybe you were close friends, maybe it was romantic, maybe it was both. Maybe they once said, “I love you.” And then… poof. They disappear. No explanation. No closure. Just silence.
That kind of ghosting stings in a deep, confusing way — because it tells your nervous system, “You don’t matter.” And that’s a painful message to receive from someone who once made you feel seen.
Why People Ghost (Even the Ones Who “Should” Know Better)
Let’s get something clear: we’re not diagnosing anyone here. But certain patterns — especially those rooted in avoidance or narcissistic traits — can explain why some people vanish rather than communicate.
- Avoidant personalities often fear emotional closeness. When intimacy starts to feel threatening, their instinct is to retreat. Ghosting, for them, feels like safety — even though for you, it feels like betrayal.
- Narcissistic traits (again, traits, not necessarily a diagnosis) can show up in black-and-white thinking — where people are either “all good” or “all bad.” You might have once been their “favorite person,” idealized and adored. But the moment you disappoint them or they feel criticized, the switch flips. Suddenly, they devalue and discard — as if the entire connection never existed.
Both patterns share something in common: a lack of empathy. It takes a certain level of self-centeredness to erase someone from your life without explanation, especially when you’ve built emotional intimacy. To ghost is, in many ways, to deny the impact of your actions on another human being.
The Most Perplexing Ghosts: When Friends Disappear
When romantic partners ghost, we (eventually) chalk it up to immaturity, emotional unavailability, or fear of confrontation. But when friends ghost? That can feel even more disorienting.
You think, We’ve shared years of memories. Inside jokes. Birthdays. Late-night talks. So when a friend vanishes — stops responding, pulls away, and doesn’t tell you why — it’s not just confusing. It’s grief. You’re mourning a living person who still exists in the world but has chosen not to exist in yours.
How to Heal When You’ve Been Ghosted
Let’s be real — there’s no quick fix for the ache of being discarded. But there is healing. Here’s where to start:
- Acknowledge the loss. It is a loss — even if the person refuses to give you closure. Name the grief for what it is.
- Resist the self-blame spiral. Ghosting says far more about their emotional capacity than your worthiness. People who can’t tolerate discomfort often run rather than communicate.
- Ground yourself in reality. It’s easy to romanticize the connection or search for meaning in the silence. But you can’t logic your way into closure that someone else refuses to offer.
- Practice radical self-compassion. You didn’t deserve to be left without words. Talk to yourself like you would a friend going through heartbreak: gentle, validating, kind.
- Rebuild trust — slowly. The fear of being ghosted again can make us want to shut down or avoid connection. Start small. Let safe, reciprocal people remind you that vulnerability isn’t always punished.
Ghosting might be common — but it’s not normal. It’s a symptom of our collective discomfort with vulnerability and conflict. The healing comes from choosing to do it differently: to communicate, to stay accountable, to care enough to close a chapter with kindness.
Because the truth is — disappearing without a word might seem easier in the moment, but real growth happens in the conversations we don’t run from.
Just because it’s October, doesn’t mean ghosting is in season.
– LC
Vibe with Me LC 