Judgment Is in the Eye of the Beholder
There we were, seated around a table at one of the hottest new restaurants in town. The atmosphere was giving quiet luxury. The conversation, however, was giving reality television drama.
At one point, I glanced at the person seated next to me as if to say, “Are you hearing this?” To which I received a wide-eyed nod in return.
How ten arguably successful, relatively intelligent adults could have this much drama at forty is honestly mind-blowing to me.
As long as I can remember, I’ve somehow been the topic of conversation. Sometimes what people were saying was true. Sometimes it was completely fabricated. More often than not, the story had been embellished enough that I barely recognized myself in it. I’m not entirely sure why I seem to incite so much emotion in other people, or why what I’m doing has always felt worthy of discussion, but it’s been a recurring theme throughout my life.
Maybe that’s why I notice gossip differently than some people do. When you’ve spent enough time on the receiving end of it, you become acutely aware of how quickly a narrative can take on a life of its own.
People had plenty to say about one another that night, and everyone’s grievances were different. Rather than being handled privately or discussed directly with the people involved, they became fair game for the entire table’s commentary.
Perhaps it’s because this particular friend group is more like a family. There are clear signs of dynamics that feel adjacent to sibling rivalry. There’s unconditional love present, certainly. But unconditional love and unconditional respect are not necessarily the same thing, and that’s a distinction I’ve found myself thinking about more as I’ve gotten older.
The Fragility of Glass Houses
As a therapist, I practice unconditional positive regard. I extend that not only to my clients but also to my friends. That doesn’t mean I agree with every choice someone makes. It doesn’t mean I don’t occasionally have an opinion. It simply means I don’t feel compelled to publicly judge them for it. And if I do have an opinion, more often than not, I keep it to myself.
Which brings me to a question I’ve been pondering lately: Are some “sins” worse than others?
Ask ten people and you’ll likely get ten different answers. As I’ve gotten older (and especially as a therapist), I’ve become fascinated by where people draw their moral lines in the proverbial sand. The behaviors one person finds unforgivable are things another barely notices.
For me, gossip ranks surprisingly high on the list.
Not because people shouldn’t discuss problems or seek support. There is a meaningful difference between speaking out of genuine concern and simply talking shit. One is an attempt to understand or help. The other is often entertainment disguised as conversation.
The tricky thing about gossip is that it rarely feels harmful when we’re the ones doing it. We convince ourselves we’re just sharing information, venting, or being honest. Meanwhile, reputations are damaged, friendships are strained, and drama takes on a life of its own.
Bravo
Perhaps that’s one reason reality television fascinates so many people.
Shows like The Real Housewives franchise package conflict, gossip, betrayal, and endless interpersonal drama as entertainment. After enough exposure, it’s easy to start viewing those dynamics as normal friendship behavior. But most healthy relationships don’t involve orchestrated confrontations, shifting alliances, public humiliation, and a rotating cast of frenemies.
What we’re watching is often a very specific bubble. One that feels increasingly detached from how most people actually live and relate to one another.
The problem is that what we repeatedly consume can subtly shape what we tolerate, expect, and even participate in ourselves.
Maybe that’s why I find myself drawn less to people who always have the latest gossip and more to people who can sit in a room full of information and choose restraint.
In a world that rewards attention, outrage, and drama, that kind of self-control feels almost revolutionary.
Until next time,
Stay curious. Stay kind. And if you’re living in a glass house… maybe put the stone down.
xo, LC
Vibe with Me LC 